Let’s talk about…
People pleasing 🫶
People pleasing is when someone tries too hard to make others happy, often by ignoring their own needs. They might say “yes” to things they don’t want to do, avoid conflict and seek approval. This can lead to stress and feeling like their own voice doesn’t matter and lose who you they really are.
First, it’s important to understand some of the signs of people pleasing so we can begin recognising when we are being driven by a desire to please people or gain external validation.
The level and amount of people pleasing will vary from person to person but some common signs you are a people pleaser can be:
- Struggling to say ‘No’ even when you’re overwhelmed.
- Feeling guilty for putting yourself first.
- You seek constant approval or validation from others.
- You avoid conflict even if it means compromising your values.
- You excessively apologise even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
- You believe your worth is tied to being liked.
- You fear rejection or abandonment if you disappoint someone.
- You prioritise the needs of others above your own.
- You over extend yourself to avoid letting others down.
- You change your opinion or preferences to match others.
- You feel resentful but suppress it.
- You’re often the ‘go to’ person but rarely receive the same support.
Recognising these tendencies can be a powerful first step towards setting healthy boundaries, reclaiming your time, energy and self worth whilst developing self confidence.
Along with recognition of behaviours, I found it helpful to fully understand the difference between being ‘kind’ and being ‘nice’. Then I could observe which roles I was playing and when.
Kindness comes from genuine care and respects both yourself and others. It’s the quality of being caring and compassionate without expecting anything in return.
Niceness is being pleasant and agreeable, often to keep others comfortable to avoid conflict and gain approval.
What causes people pleasing?
Often rooted in psychological and emotional experience creating a deeply ingrained survival strategy shaped by past experiences, emotional conditioning and social dynamics.
Let’s look at five possible causes.
- Fear of rejection or abandonment usually stemming from childhood experiences where love or approval felt conditional. A belief that in saying ‘no’ or asserting yourself will lead to being disliked, excluded or abandoned.
- Low self worth is not believing your needs matter as much as everyone else’s so you’re more likely to prioritise other people’s needs. It can become a way to earn love, respect or validation and be liked for what you do, not who you are.
- Perfectionism can cause mistakes and conflicts to feel intolerable so you over compensate by being overly agreeable. The belief you must always be good, helpful and liked can lead to compulsive people pleasing.
- Childhood conditioning happens due to growing up in environments where emotional needs were ignored. Growing up being taught ‘to keep the peace’ can teach you to suppress your own value.
- Trauma and abuse can also create people pleasing tendencies as a form of self protection and a way to avoid conflict or danger in toxic and abusive relationships.
Depending on the level you people please, eventually, it can leave you feeling burnt out and emotionally drained. You begin to lose sight of your own goals, passions and identity.
If you resonate, you are not alone, it doesn’t mean you’re weak or flawed. It means you desire to feel safe and accepted and are conditioned to believing being agreeable will achieve that.
Replacing learnt strategies takes time, patience and the desire to stop. Any small step taken towards understanding and replacing these tendencies is one step closer. Work at your own pace and celebrate every win along the way.
Let’s look at ten steps you can take to stop people pleasing.
- Recognise the pattern.
Reflect on situations where you say ‘yes’ but feel resentment or exhaustion at the thought of it.
- Identify your individual root cause.
Ask yourself “what am I afraid will happen if I say no?” Naming the fears helps disarm them. By looking at these core beliefs, you can begin to address the underlying issues.
- Reclaim your values.
Define what matters most to you, your time, your health, your creativity and relationships. Use your own values when making decisions.
- Practice saying ‘no’.
Start small by declining a minor request or delay a response. Use polite but firm phrases such as “I can’t commit to that right now”.
- Set boundaries without guilt.
Remind yourself that boundaries aren’t selfish, they are self respect. Communicate calmly and clearly whist remembering you don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation.
- Tolerate discomfort.
Expect to feel awkward about it at first, expect some push back, it’s part of growth. Remind yourself the discomfort is temporary, self respect is lasting. Noting how you feel when you say “no” or speak up for yourself will help you visualize your growth and reinforce the positive changes you are making.
- Stop over apologising.
Constantly saying “I’m sorry” for things that aren’t your fault reinforces the idea that your needs are less important. Try replacing “sorry I am late” to “Thank you for waiting for me”.
Choose actions that align with your truth not others expectations.
- Celebrate progress.
Every time you honour your needs, acknowledge it. Track your wins in a journal or share them with someone supportive. If you slip up and fall back into old habits, don’t punish yourself. People-pleasing is a deeply ingrained coping mechanism, and it takes time to unlearn.
- Prioritise your own needs and find what you enjoy.
Shift your focus from pleasing others to caring for yourself. Make time for self care activities and things that recharge your energy.
• Seek support.
You are not alone in unlearning these tendencies. Seek therapy, coaching or a trusted friend to help you stay accountable. Invest your time in relationships with people who respect your boundaries and appreciate your authentic self.
In recognition and reshaping our people pleasing tendencies we can take back our ability to do what’s right for ourselves and stop seeking validation from others.
People pleasing is unsustainable and self destructive behaviour that will keep you exhausted, damage relationships and a loss of identity.
So give some of the steps a try and take your power back or send this to someone who could use these tips.
Happy healing 🫶
https://www.instagram.com/pocketpinsuk_mentalhealth?igsh=MW9waDk1c281a2x3ag%3D%3D&utm_source=qr
🫶
10 Things I Started Doing That Helped My Mental Heath.
Struggling with depression from a young age and taking medication for it off and on for years, I never really tried to understand it or find other ways to manage it. When I did, there were steps that had surprisingly positive impacts that can help anyone on any form of healing or growing journey.
- 1.Clear all spaces: I found this one by accident out of boredom but it really did leave a feeling of completion and organisation that I added it to my tool box. In two months, no hideaway in the house was left unturned and now it remains a head clearing activity. Its also backed by psychology that clear, organised spaces creates calmness, mental clarity, reduces stress and promotes productivity. Remove items you hold no use or passion for.
- 2.Take weekly walks: The length or duration of the walk is not relevant, use whatever time you can to take weekly walks. Taking yourself for regular walks significantly reduces stress and anxiety levels, getting fresh air and sun, along with movement providing your body with more oxygen, all benefit our mental health. Walking enables you to concentrate on being in the moment, to slow down, observe the environment and reflect. Stagnant scenery is guaranteed to make you feel stagnant so take some walks, explore and absorb the beauty around you.
- 3. Find a Hobby: Studies show people with hobbies report better health, happiness, satisfaction and less depression. Hobby groups can reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness with any creative, sensory, expressive, cognitively stimulating or relaxing hobbies promotes good mental health and well being. Its especially great for overthinkers as it helps focus our brain on other things than the word tornado going around in your head.
- 4. Listen to Hz music whilst sleeping: Working with the world of vibrations, our bodies respond to different frequencies. Brown noise relaxes my mind, helps me sleep well and drift off easily. I will adjust what frequency I listen to when going to sleep depending on how I’m feeling. It can take some time to test and observe which frequencies help your sleep but you an be guaranteed a good nights rest when you do. If any specific vibration annoys you, that’s not the correct frequency for you. Each frequencies heal different parts of the body and mind and the one that will help you is personal depending on your current needs. I struggled with sleep for many many years, now I have a great relationship with my sleep and my dreams.
- 5. Sit with yourself: This may seem silly but how often do we question why something is frustrating us rather than instinctively reacting. Sit with your feelings with no distractions and reflect on your thoughts, feelings and actions. Learn when and why you get frustrated, avoidant, angry or whatever other reactive responses we become accustomed to. This helps us to recognise when we might be lying to ourselves and sometimes be the creator to some of life’s situations. Taking the time to do this helps you learn who you really are and knowing that can improve your mental health and your life in general. Learning to be self reflective helps us understand our own input into the world, sometime we learn we are the problem, other times, it gives us the confidence to know we wasn’t.
- 6. Don’t be scared to say goodbye to people: Granted this one is easier when you’re comfortable in number 5, sitting with yourself. If you’re trying to heal and keep a stable mental health, certain people and places are just not right for you and that’s okay. For some, this could be long friendship circles, workplace relationships even social media followers. Sadly for some, like myself, this will include family. Anything that leaves you with a bad feeling consistently, alone, not included and even digs disguised as jokes. Toxic people prey on others and the only difference you can make is not allowing it in your space to mess with your mental heath and growth. The better you know yourself, the less you care what others think of you and in turn making you less affected by toxic behaviour and people.
- 7. Positive thinking: We can all be guilty of overthinking and believing the programmed negative thoughts that come to mind. Just how life has programmed negative thoughts in us, we can reprogram them to a more positive perspectives. Anyone recovering from any type of abuse or mental health will understand the feelings of imposter syndrome, but this is just the doubts the world has made us accustomed to. When you feel the dark thoughts or reactions, actively observe and reword the thought. “I’m not good enough” can become “I’m working on myself and growing”. Practise this daily until your brain switches the default thoughts from negative to positive. Language is just semantics, use to to your advantage.
- 8. Practice gratitude: It human nature and psychology to aim for the next thing and forget the achievements that have already been made. When we don’t have everything we seek right now, we can feel no progress is being made. Take a look back to five even ten years ago, I can guarantee something has been achieved in this time. Remember what you use to wish for, remember where you came from. Things might not be perfect but you can always find things to be grateful for and some reason to keep trying. When we practice gratitude, we send that frequency into the world and what goes out, finds its way back.
- 9. Yoga and exercise: Being ADHD, I find consistency in self care a battle. One way I challenge this is to complete yoga poses or simple exercises. I’m not someone that enjoys long strenuous workouts so instead of doing nothing, I do what I’m comfortable with. I found 20 yoga poses for my bodies ability and simple workouts for areas I want to stretch or tone. Anytime I complete these I feel refreshed, in control and proud I managed to complete them. I notice how I’m able to be in the moment while holding poses and feeling the pull on muscles cementing that I’m making a difference. If I don’t manage yoga or exercise sessions, I have my weekly walk for movement so I don’t give myself a hard time. Work at your own pace and level but adding some form of exercise routine can clear you mind, improve physical health and encourage productivity. Doing what you can is better than doing nothing.
- 10. Step out of your comfort zone. Allowing yourself to step out of your comfort zone is part of self discovery, resilience and growth. Embracing discomfort encourages unlocking your individual potential, find new skills and passions and helps you welcome a journey of self curiosity. If you hate going anywhere alone, force yourself to do it and observe all the ways your body feels. If you wish you were smarter, pick a topic and begin micro learning instead of social media doom scrolling. Anything personal to get you to empower yourself and step out your comfort zone can do surprising things for your confidence and mental health.
Are there things you do to help your mental health that are not on the list?